Who Gets To Be Jesus?: A Morning at the Homeless Shelter

Scenario One:
We served egg and cheese sandwiches, white rice and bananas for breakfast this morning.

During "seconds" the sandwiches ran out.

A 30-something man came through the line for "firsts" and we were down to rice and bananas.

I apologized, sad that this man would not get a sandwich, and told him we were just down to rice and bananas.

He smiled. A very kind smile.
And he said, "It's ok. Anything is better than nothing. Thank you."

I teared up.

I doubt my attitude would've been the same.
Because my attitude simply isn't the same.

I was annoyed last night because the sweet potatoes in my crockpot stew were not cooked by 10pm and I had to set my alarm for midnight to get up and turn them off. (gee, Leigh, really???)

That man was Jesus to me.


Scenario Two:
During seconds we ran out of egg sandwiches, as I said.

A man came up and shouted a question at me, angry.

I could not hear him because of the kitchen noise behind me and calmly asked him to repeat his question.

He angrily yelled again, wanting to know if the cook was going to make more sandwiches.

I smiled (in Proverbs we are told that a soft answer turns away wrath) and gently told him that the cook was not planning to make more sandwiches.

He was not happy about the lack of sandwiches for seconds but walked away much calmer than he arrived.
I got to be Jesus to him by not responding in anger to his anger but in choosing to show him gentleness and love instead.


Scenario Three:
One kitchen volunteer turned to another and commented on she was not adding forks to the plates quickly enough.

Kitchen volunteer number two reacted in sarcastic anger.

The battle was on and it was quite an odd battle.

One trying to "talk things out" (though in an angry tone) and the other looking at her with a smart look while singing worship songs at her.

They finally had to be separated by one of the recovering homeless people in the internship program.

Wow.

I'm pretty sure neither one of them was Jesus to the other.

And So:
It was an interesting morning at the homeless shelter.

I got to see Jesus over and over in the way people treated me.
I made choices several times to try and be Jesus to them.
And I got to see some people make the choice to not reflect Jesus.

A very interesting morning.

Life is about choices.
Who am I following?
What kind of person do I want to be?
How do I want to treat people?

These choices are the same whether we are on the street, getting off of the street or are a volunteer who has never had to live on the street.

So the question I find myself asking today is:
What kind of person do I want to be?
And what sort of lifestyle do I need to be living (or not living) to become that person?

The Plight of the Poor ?

Today was a bit more than a wee splash of cold water.
It felt more like a deluge.

I got up this morning, went out to the car and found that it would not start.
I was so very frustrated.
We had just gotten our car back out of the shop last week and now it wouldn't start.

Ok, I wasn't just frustrated.
I melted down.

A million things seemed to run through my head.
* I couldn't afford to miss work.
* I didn't want to have to figure out how to find the money to have more car repairs.
* I didn't want to "try and fix it ourselves" as that could mean breakdowns, repeated breakdowns, over the course of the next few weeks because "oops, we 'fixed' something that wasn't actually the problem" and I could end up stranded who-knows-where for hours.
* I was so @#$% tired of this stupid car breaking. This has been the 4th or 5th time since we bought it a few months ago.
* I didn't want to try and find the money to rent a car again for the days my car might be in the shop.
* I am soooo tired of things in life 'going wrong.'  My health is all jacked up again, I'm worried that this might mean surgery after all, and now the car is being a nightmare.

And on....and on...and on....

And so I broke down and cried.
And I hated the fact that I was crying over it all.
But crying is good for us. We were created with the ability to cry.
And I'm human.
So be it.
Jesus cried too.

Anyway.
There I sat in the living room floor.
After the mild emotional storm passed I got to thinking.
This is what the poor in America go through all the time.
And the poor overseas go through worse.

I thought about the stereotypical single mom of 3 who holds down jobs at both Waffle House and the local bar.
Her health declines and she works anyway.  She has no choice.
Her car doesn't start and if she doesn't make it to work she might get evicted and her kids might go hungry.
There's a good chance they're going hungry anyway.
She probably melts down, like I did, and then figures it out.

It gave me pause.

At a really minor level (and I truly get that it is minor) I felt for a passing moment what the American "working poor" feel.
I was just re-reading about how the American "working poor" tend to fall through the cracks.
Like reading this just yesterday and praying that God would give me some perspective on that.

Oh. Right.

So here's my opportunity.

I'm glad that it happened.
I'm glad it freaked me out.
I'm glad I melted down.

Glad because I have renewed perspective.
If only a little.

Glad I melted down because it gives space for humility.
I will not be in a place to stand in judgment of another when they melt down from the same 'fear' or 'worry.'
I will not be able to say in my own pride "Well, I sucked it up and just dealt with it!  What's wrong with you??"
No, I'll be able to sit there and say, "Yeah, it's ok to cry."
And I will also be able to say, "When my car broke down/I missed work and was short that month and couldn't pay the bills/whatever, I cried it out and then turned to Jesus anyway."

Because, you see, I realize again that following Jesus does not mean that everything will always be ok.
Funny, because a friend of mine and I talk about that often.
And thankfully so because this morning, after I cried, I remembered that following Jesus does not mean that everything will always be ok.
* What it does mean is that we are not alone.
* What it does mean is that if I handle my heart and actions well on this side, even in mild or one day intense suffering, then the reward on the other side will be tremendous. And eternal.
* What it does mean is that I get the opportunity to love Him in the midst of the hard and prove my love is true just like He loved me in the midst of the hard and proved His love was true.

Golden stuff, that.

And even in the midst of the hard, I am still richly blessed.
Richly.

Because I have an awesome boss that picked me up and drove me to my school even though it made him late for his.

I knew that I had a friend who would drive me to the fencing club tonight if it turns out that I need a ride.

I know that, ok, I may have to forgo a "let's go out for lunch" (or two or three or so) over the next little while but the bills that meet actual needs will still get paid.

No one will starve.
No one is getting evicted.
We are all just mildly inconvenienced.

Lots of lessons here.

Granted, I didn't spend the rest of my morning riding on a unicorn of happiness.
I still am not excited about dealing with my car and I do wish my body would cooperate and stop being difficult.

But, as I walked in the door after my boss dropped me back off from work my alarm for Noon Prayers went off.
I sat down and determined that I was going to sit before God and praise Him.
And my noon reading contained the following verse:

"But may all who seek You
rejoice and be glad in You;
may those who long for Your
saving help always say,
'The Lord is great!'"
(Ps 40:16)

Indeed, the Lord is great!
And He has done great things for me.
May all who seek Him rejoice and be glad in Him.

Amen.

Clothing Month: Soul Nakedness

Clothing.


I thought for sure this month would be a breeze.

After all, I've lived in situations where I had 2 shirts, 2 pair of shorts, 2 pair of underwear, 2 bras and 1 pair of shoes for months.

How hard could it be to live with 7 articles of clothing and unlimited underclothing for 4 weeks?


In this culture?

Harder than you think.

And so surface more issues of my heart.

Over the years, as i studied simplicity from Catholic, Protestant and Neo-monastic perspectives I have thought many times about how much I would love to go simple again in my own life.


And in many, many ways Larry and I have done so.
We don't own a lot of stuff, we have gotten out of major debt.
Between the two of us we make  $29,000/yr and, compared to a large percentage of the world, live like kings on what we make.

I came into this chapter like it was going to be a breeze, as I said above, thinking "oh good, though I am not ready to scale down to two brown tunics like John Michael Talbot it's going to be great to go down to very few articles of clothing again."

Really?

Well, yeah, 3 t-shirts, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, a black sweater and a pair of black tennis shoes are great.
...Until you have to stand up in front of the church and say something.
...Until have to go to that ministry meeting.
...Until you have to go to that lunch with intimidating people.
...Until you're meeting a group of strangers for the first time.

Yeah, Leigh.
Only a few articles of clothing is easy when the entire culture you reside in only owns the same amount of clothing you own.
But not so easy when there are other choices and you...what was that..."want to make a good impression?"

Ouch.

And so we come to the state of my heart.
Which is what I wanted to deal with in this whole series of fasts.

One of my goals in life (and I am not there yet, obviously) was to be most concerned with who I am.

I am truly convinced that what makes us attractive as people is not what we wear, what we own, our accents, color, etc but our Godliness.
Who we are in God is what draws people (or pushes them away).
We are a fragrance, as Scripture tells us, of life or death, depending on where people are in their own life journey.

If you have done any reading about Mother Teresa, St Francis, Shane Claiborne, these types of people, no one was drawn to them because they were good looking or had "stuff" or kept their houses clean or whatever.

No, people were (are) drawn to them because of who they were (are).
Because of how they lived their lives.
Because of their priorities.
Because holiness, Godliness, surrounded them and oozed out of them.

I am not there.
Not even close.
But I am glad to have to wear the same jeans, same t-shirt and same sweater...
...To church
...To that meeting with strangers
....To that ministry lunch
Because it's forcing me to reckon with my priorities.

Do I really want to be a fragrance of the Presence of Jesus?
If so, then my interior life is what is important.
Not whether or not I am putting on a purple t-shirt again.

May the day come when rivers of living water truly do pour forth from my belly, people can look at me and note "that she has been with Jesus," and walk away not even remembering the color of my shirt.

Awake, Awake O Sleeper...

One of my prayers as I entered my "Seven" journey was that God would startle me awake with a little cold water.

I wanted Him to wake me up again to the reality of my own life and the reality of life around the world again.

I wanted (and still want) change.

I wanted (and still want) His Heart and perspective.

As a result I also decided to go through the "Experiencing God" Bible Study this summer.

Well, my prayers are being answered.

The cold water is being splashed and I am realizing how slow I am to respond (geez...I was being way more lulled to sleep by the American lifestyle than I had realized!).

But by the mercy and grace of God, I am finally learning to respond!

I am so grateful that He has not given up on me and that He is willing to douse me with a bit of cold water.

So, one of the recent soakings (there have been several!!!) involved a new awareness of child labor.
 

(stay with me).
 

Two weeks ago I felt a "nudge" that I should sponsor a child.

I thought about it momentarily and then moved on.

A few days later I was reading about someone who had sponsored a child and the nudge came again, a bit stronger.

I wondered if maybe it was God but, thinking of other "more useful" things, I shrugged it off.

At the end of last week the thought reared it's head again and I thought, "Ok, I'll consider it," but it wasn't really "burning on my heart."
 

Arrive at the day before yesterday.
 

I have been reading a book that talked a bit about child labor and gave a link to the U.S. Department of Labor list of products produced around the world by child labor.

Several thoughts/emotions went through me.

One was sadness.

Another was wondering how these families could afford to feed themselves if no one was working. (Not that I agree with it or am happy about it but I have seen so many, many kids overseas who have to work in some capacity to feed their families).

I was grieved.

And torn.

And decided to make a strong effort to not buy products that might have been produced through child labor.

And decided to buy fair trade as much as possible.

And I patted myself on the back.

And these truly are good decisions!!!

But God was thinking more broadly than I.

So, arrive at yesterday.

In the course of a conversation the U.S. Dept of Labor link came up.

A friend asked me to email it to her.

When I got home, I did.

Which stirred my thinking again.

I sat there looking at the pictures of those kids and (FINALLY!) prayed and said, "God, these kids need money.  They have to work in these horrible conditions to help feed their families.  What can be done to help so that this doesn't happen?"

And God screamed into my spirit (since I don't take nudging hints), "YOU SPONSOR A CHILD!"

Oh. Duh.

So, I read through that U.S. Dept of Labor list, looked to find a South American country with lots of issues with child labor and child porn, picked Colombia, went to Compassion International's site and picked a Colombian child who was in an area that put him at high risk for exploitation (Compassion gives you the option to choose such kids) and started sponsoring him on the spot.

His name is Elias.

Which is Elijah in English.

He is pictured above.

Why do I share this story?

No, it's not so you can pat me on the back and think I'm awesome.

If you can read you can see that I am not awesome and I am not the hero of this story.

Jesus is.

All I did was put my cold heart in front of the fire of His love and let Him throw cold water in my face.

I am writing this because God nudges. God speaks. God leads. God communicates.
What is He trying to tell you this week?
It may not be to sponsor a child but it will be something.
He does want to do things that matter through you.
Listen to His nudges and follow His leading.  :)

It's an awesome, stretching, adventure!

U.S. Dept of Labor Child Labor List:  http://www.dol.gov/ilab/reports/pdf/TVPRA_Report2014.pdf

@%*# Apples and Toast: "Seven" Frustrations

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd rather poke my eyeballs out with sharp objects than have to eat a piece of toast and an apple, and nothing else, for breakfast AGAIN.

Come on, Leigh, people are starving to death all over the world and you're whiny about toast and apples.

Yeah. I am.
(sigh)


Yep.  Week 3.
When the realities of the heart start to surface and I see how selfish I really am.
Which was part of the point.
But I hate it.
I hate that my life is so self-centered.
Which is why I am placing myself in this position and asking the Holy Spirit to continue "crucifying my flesh with its passions." (see Gal 5:24)

The issue isn't that bacon, eggs, grits, apple-bran muffins and coffee are inherently evil and somehow life would be better for all if I sat around eating nothing but wheat berries in a cave for the rest of my life.

But the issue is that I am self-centered in many areas.  And I want to be God-centered.

So, I am taking away things that are good but unnecessary to reveal my heart, let the Holy Spirit change me and also to make more room for God in my life.

This morning the flesh is rearing it's ugly head.
It screams "Cracker Barrel" because that's what it wants.
It's getting toast and an apple because that's what it needs.
And more than that, it needs more of God.

Happy Saturday!!  :-/

Simplicity and Priorities

I am a believer in simplicity.

And I believe that we should care for the poor.
My Bible tells me that.

As I begin my "Seven" fast and my "Experiencing God" study I find myself asking who exactly are the "poor?"

An easy and seemingly obvious answer is "people in the streets of Culcutta."
Yet, did you know that upon visiting the West Mother Teresa noted that Westerners were also poor in that they "had no one to love them."
As a result she started chapters of the Missionaries of Charity in the West. 
There are regional houses in places like the Bronx, and St Louis, MO.

"Seven" is showing me that I need to live more simply.
I need to be less self-indulgent.
Life is just not all about me.  Or all about you for that matter.
It is about serving others.
The poor, the marginalized, the unloved, the worried, the lost, the dying.

"Experiencing God"  is showing me that I need to look for where God is working around me and join Him there.
What are His plans and dreams?
I may dream of being in a Calcutta slum.
He may be dreaming that I will start a weekly tea for the elderly ladies in my townhome complex.

So, I decided to spit out a few thoughts that I've been mulling lately.

Firstly, what should my priorities be?

I have been watching an amazing friend care for her aging mother recently.

Several times I have thought of I Tim 5: 8, which is in the context of caring for widows/elderly parents/grandparents. It states, "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

Well that's intense.
I guess caring for my aging parents/family is a priority!
(see also Mark 7:9ff)

Then I thought about how Paul said in his letter to the Galatian church, "...as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those of the household of faith." (Gal 6:10)

Interesting.
When we have "opportunity" (available resources as in Cor 8:14?..."at this present time your abundance being a supply for their need, so that their abundance also may become a supply for your needs") we are to especially care for those of the household of faith.

It would seem that my priorities should be family, Christian family, others.

So, lest we begin to think that this lets us off the hook for serving the poor, it doesn't.
It doesn't seem to be a case of either/or as much as a case of priority and, I believe, simplicity.

Your aged parents don't need a Mercedes or filet mignon.
Their needs should be met, yes, but extravagance isn't necessary for anyone.

Your Christian family ("those of the household of faith") don't need Cadillacs and swimming pools in their backyards.
Their needs should be met, yes, but again, extravagance isn't necessary for anyone.

The poor, our neighbors, those who don't know Jesus, are also important.
We are told that as we go about our lives that we are to bear witness to the One to whom we belong.
We are to be the Good Samaritan.
We are to feed the hungry, visit those in prison, give shelter to those who have none, etc.
Yes, we are.

But not at the expense of our aging parents or of the household of faith. 

This calls for wisdom and a simplicity of living, I think.

If I am living a simple lifestyle, a non-extravagant lifestyle, then I should have more than enough (especially as a middle-class American!) available to care for my parents when they need food and a home, to help care for my Christian family, and to also serve others.

Maybe this is the reason for simplicty?
Not because it's cool or interesting but because it frees me to live the life I am called to live in Jesus.

Secondly, how much is too much and how little is too little?

Thirdly, who are the "others" that I am called to serve?

I'll save that for my next blogs.

A "Seven" Fast. Why?

As my "Seven" fast begins I find myself continuing to explore the question, "why?"
Why am I doing this?
What is it I am hoping to gain from it?
Why did God place this in front of me?
What is He thinking?


Missions was my life's dream.
I wanted nothing more, from the time I was in high school, than to go into Latin America somewhere and serve the poor.
I had originally thought I wanted to go into a tribe but over time the needs to children took precedence in my heart.
Especially street children.

After Larry and I ended up back in the States due to my undiagnosed (at the time) health issues I slowly and deliberately started shutting my heart down.

For the first while I just couldn't deal with some of the things I had seen and experienced.
Abused children. Indescribably abused.
Street children being herded up so they could be taken out into the countryside and shot. (want to feel helpless and ill?  Go watch that knowing there's nothing you can do about it).
Children who were hungry all the time.
Children who were dying for lack of medical care.
Children with no homes.
On and on and on.

Then, over time, I felt the ache of longing to go back overseas and help kids.
But my health prevented me.  Along with other factors.
So, again, I went into a deliberate shut down and refused to feel the renewed desire.
That ache of longing to be involved.
To help. To serve.


So, why am I doing this "Seven" fast until next March?
Because I want my heart back.

I know what it feels like to be hungry.
I lived on a dollar a day in South America.
Not because I wanted to but because that was all I had.
It's interesting to have to find food and shelter on a dollar a day.

I know what it feels like to have few clothes.
I had only a handful at times when I was overseas.
It didn't make any sense to have more.

I lived and felt several odd things that the "poor" experience.
I've been deported.
I've been on guerrilla hit lists.
I've had intestinal worms from unclean water.
I've slept on cement slabs when I had no bed.
I've bather in rivers, out of buckets and in ice cold showers in cold weather.
Heck, I even have an arranged marriage.

Don't get me wrong.
I am so very grateful to have had these experiences because there is so much that the poor go through that I can now relate to on a minor level.
I prayed that God would allow me to know some of this so that I would begin to understand.
He has granted me that.

What worries me is that I have lost my heart.

I got tired of being poor.
I got tired of being lonely. (not too many people want to live that way...I get why)
I got tired of wondering where my next meal would come from.

And then one day I realized I missed being with the poor.
I missed serving them and learning from them.
And, yes, I missed living simply.

We all have our callings.
We all have ways that we were meant to serve.

For me, I realize in my head that at some level I am meant to serve the poor and/or the marginalized.
Here in KC and, hopefully, on short-term trips. And from there, who knows???
I don't know for sure what that even looks like right now.
That's part of what I am searching and praying for.

So, my reason for "Seven" and also my reason for doing the "Experience God" study?

It is because I want my heart to open up again.
I want my heart to break with the things that break the Heart of Jesus.
I want to weep over the things He weeps over.
I want to find out how He wants me to be His Hands and Feet.

I don't want a self-indulgent life anymore.
And, presently, that's what I have.

So I am re-exploring what it looks like and feels like to have limited food, limited clothing, etc.
I want to remember.

So I am exploring what it's like to limit media, to not be wasteful.
I want to live a disciplined life.
I want a life focused on the things that matter (people, Jesus) not on the things that don't matter.

Is it hard?
Oddly, frighteningly, yes.
I didn't expect it to be.

It's hard to let the self die and let God fully take over again.
It's heard to open up the heart. It might hurt.

But, to me, there is no life, no real life, in any other way of living.

"Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen."  --Martin Luther

On Fasting & Spiritual Warfare

 I've been doing a lot of thinking about fasting lately.

A good friend picked up the book "Seven" by J. Hatmaker not too long ago and on her recommendation I ended up reading it as well. It turned my thinking back around.

So, I will be doing "Seven" ("Eight" for me) with a handful of other ladies from now until next March.
AND I AM SO EXCITED!!

In the course of preparing my heart and mind for this fast series my husband, Larry, and I have been getting into some fasting conversations.

The following thoughts are a succinct version of a several hour conversation between Overland Park, KS and Paducah, KY a few nights ago.

We were reflecting on fasts we had done in the past, our reasons for doing them and the ramifications in our own hearts and in regards to our relationships with Jesus.

We then landed on a discussion of the "warfare" aspects of fasting.
Yes, it changed us.  Yes, we noticed a deepening of our relationships with God.
But what about warfare?
Is fasting one of the "weapons of our warfare?"


Since, as is oft said in Christendom, we are warring against "the world, the flesh and the devil" then, we wondered, can fasting have any affect on this?

We concluded that, yes, it can.

The world is set against us and is constantly trying to pull us into itself.
How can I keep myself from falling into things that I know I should not be a part of?
How does one stay away from its temptations?
You fast.
You fast TV.
You fast radio.
You fast internet.

Fasting can be war against the things of this world, the things that would distract us from God.

The flesh is the self.  It's me.
I battle against myself and my own wants and desires that, again, can easily distract me from God.
Can fasting help me temper myself?
How does one control the flesh?
You fast.
You fast food which, as odd as it may sound, weakens the desires of the flesh.
I know a man who wanted to deal with his "guy issues" (let the reader understand) so he went on a 40 day food fast and came out of that time with no more "guy issues."

The devil.
Satan has "schemes and wiles" and he is "prowling like a roaring lion" seeking to devour us.
Can fasting help here?
How can fasting help one combat the devil?
There is much that we do not understand about the supernatural but somehow, someway fasting does strengthen us spiritually.
And spiritual strength, a greater closeness to the Savior, does help us combat the devil and his schemes.

It has been a while since I have done any fasting on any level.

I am excited about all I trust the Lord will do through "Seven" and am intrigued to see how it can become a "weapon of warfare."